Life begins at 40 or is the toughest at 40?

Slice of Love admin July 26, 2024

Life begins at 40 or is the toughest at 40?

December 2015. We were so looking forward to travelling home, enjoying the ‘Delhi ki sardi’ and the warmth of our loved ones. Big family & friends’ reunions and the biggest draw is your parents. You want to see the light in their eyes and the extra-long hug you get when they enfold you with their love.

But right in the middle of the joyous celebration, our world was torn apart – literally. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with last-stage cancer. I got to experience firsthand why the 40s is the toughest. You have ageing parents on one side, grown-up kids on the other, plus a demanding job.

We worked out a rotation where me and my husband were shuttling between India and Singapore every month. Every time I left my kids, it was heart-wrenching. I would freeze food, call up friends, and arrange classes, and it was equally difficult to leave maa. The mental & emotional trauma is huge. It’s traumatic to see your parents going through the pain, added by the constant fear of losing them.

For two and half years we were a family that was apart. All four of us were in different places. Our WhatsApp group was named – ‘Till We Meet’ (very filmy) but on the flip side not a single birthday, anniversary, Diwali, New Year, or board exam we were together. Did we lose out? Yes, we did. Google became my kids’ mother as I was not there. The kids were struggling hard to not bother us and figure out things on their own. And as a mother, I missed that feeling of kids shouting mummaaaaa at every half an hour interval.

I began engaging in conversations with myself. When I asked myself, “What is it that you want to do?” I found myself at a loss for an answer. I felt utterly clueless. There was no passion, no goal, no sense of accomplishment, and no identity. It was as if I had lost myself along the way. I no longer recognized who I was, what I desired, or what brought me joy.

In hindsight, it was a life-turning moment for us, but it also redefined us. All the multitasking and management skills that I honed in my 20s came to my rescue.

Take decisions objectively – We were ready to pack our bags and move back to India. But it’s important to take advice from trusted people who can view the situation logically as you are too emotionally vested.

Live in the moment – I learned to “Live in the moment” as I was always torn apart. When I was with Maa, I would be so stressed about kids and vice versa. This one mantra made my life so bearable. I learned to be happy and give all I could where I WAS as I understood I couldn’t be everywhere.

Rear your kids right – When we went to drop our son off for his undergrad in Hong Kong, we were the most relaxed parents. Because he had learned the hard way. Our daughter was stuck in Singapore all alone for nine months during COVID. She survived so beautifully. So, teach your children life skills early so that they can sail through the tough times even when you are not around.

Create precious moments – Take out moments for yourself and as a family even though it means juggling and hard work. Create moments of happiness that feed your soul and make life worthwhile.
We all came out tougher as a unit and as individuals, emotionally stronger and more mature to handle all the curves life throws at us. As a parent, it’s such a comforting feeling to know that your children can manage themselves well.
I guess life just goes on and all we need is to keep going with the flow and keep learning.

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